The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
