i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
