I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
