he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize