I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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