he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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