We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
