The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
