man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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