i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
