Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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