There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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