My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
