mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
