whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
