I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
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his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
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Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat