Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
