So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
