How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
