I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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