i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
