i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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