But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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