he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
