my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
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we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
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I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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