i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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