2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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