I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
