sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
