I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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