I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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