I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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