I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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