The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
