Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
