I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
