You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
