I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
