So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
