Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday