do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.