i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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