I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
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