I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
