the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
