This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm at about main and main street
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
