A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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