I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
