If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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