I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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