And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
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