i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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