Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
