Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
So much Jack, so little girl.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
