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• (847): View more from Illinois

  I'm at derby!

  (847): View more from Illinois

  The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.

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• (314): View more from Missouri

  So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.

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• (440): View more from Ohio

  Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?

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• (910): View more from North Carolina

  I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.

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• (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.

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• (503): View more from Oregon

  Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?

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• (309): View more from Illinois

  Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?

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• (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.

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• (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"

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• (609): View more from New Jersey

  I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.

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• (402): View more from Nebraska

  Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?

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• (239): View more from Florida

  Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.

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• (765): View more from Indiana

  The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.

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• (973): View more from New Jersey

  Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk

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• (519): View more from Ontario

  I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.

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