why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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