I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
