I wish I only lived at night.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
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He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
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Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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