i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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