I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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