my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
