Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
