The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
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Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
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I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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