OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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