Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
