I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
