Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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