So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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